"Knowing what I know now, about God and His Sovereignty...
Somewhere there is a heart willing to listen to this story about this little girl, orange carpet, hollyhocks, a small town ...and violence. Somewhere there is surely someone who will read Your story and see the Grace and Mercy in your life...and God will use you to touch that person, for His Glory.
Your story touches my heart, Pat "
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Sixteen Years Later Part 2 The Visit
Part one HERE
After a deep cry in the car and catching my breathe I tossed around going to see the woman in the photo. The woman I didn't know, that didn't know me, the woman that has not been a part of my life for sixteen years, the woman who is my mother.
On the morning my husband and I were to drive there, I had much reservation, I had fear and I was very uncomfortable. I almost changed my mind. One hundred miles usually takes a while, but on that day it went far too quickly, too soon we were there. I was going to see her and I didn't know what to expect. During the move from her home to my aunt and uncles home town (also my childhood home) my mother "lost it" she became unruly and they needed help to get her under control resulting her being hospitalized, restrained and eventually moved to the state psychiatric hospital. As of this time I do not know what drugs she was put on but obviously she is on what ever was needed to keep her calm and under control.
We drove to the old brick buildings high on the hill in a small town we have driven by for years. We passed the building surrounded by high fence and razor wire and ended up in a place that felt more like a nursing home, although not everyone was old. We signed in, we passed two locked doors and the nurse said, "we got her out of the recliner, she was pretty sleepy", she then said the woman in the chair, "your daughter is here to see you."
The nurse looked at me and I said, "it has been over 15 years", she moved us to a private room and said, "she will wake up just give her some snuggles."
Do you have any idea how bizarre that was? Snuggle the woman who never snuggled me? Snuggle the woman who did nothing but lie, exaggerate, cause trouble, and demand you bow to her every thought and complaint? Snuggle? Did you not hear me lady? Sixteen years......
It wasn't hers to figure out, she is there to take care of the woman in the chair, not me.
There she was, right there, with my grandma's hair. "Hi, how are you feeling? Are you sleepy? Do you know who I am? It is me, Shannon."
" mom, it is me, Shannon, we came to see you. Do you know who I am?"
Imagine if you had a terrible headache and you grimaced and placed your hand over your forehead and eye, imagine if you felt shame and tried to hide, imagine if you wanted to avoid something and wanted to get the hell out of there but your body and the drugs you are on physically prevent that so you place your hand over your head and twist away and grunt out NO!
My husband tries, "Jeannie, we came a long way to see you. Do you want to see photos of the kids? "
Me- " Mom, it is Shannon, do you know who I am?"
" How are you? It is almost lunch time. Are you hungry? Have you seen Aunt and Uncle? They were just here, Have you seen Shannon?"
Grimace, twist, hide.
She still has refused to even open her eyes.
Now...you may want to say, she was really drugged, she wasn't awake. She was confused.
Those grunts became coherent, the hand over the eyes became plugging her ears and she physically moved her body as far away as she could.
"Jeannie do you know who I am? I am Shannon, we came a long way, are you going to talk?"
"I don't care" plugs ears
" We haven't seen each other in sixteen years."
" I don't give a ......"
" Well, we can leave then"
"Are you leaving?" said clearly, forcefully and with agitation
"If you aren't going to talk, then yes, are you going to talk?"
plugs ears- she still will not even open her eyes
So I stood up, and said
" There you are, you are in there, you have spent your life bitter and angry" she is getting agitated, twisting to trying and get away, she plugs her ears again, " I don't care" and mumbles more I cannot understand.
"What?, I didn't understand. Are you even going to look at me? You have been angry your whole life, where did it get you? I want you to know I am not angry, I am not bitter."
She lets out a groan of disgust.
So 20 minutes later, Sixteen years later, I left.
She refused to open her eyes,
she did everything her body would let her to get away,
she didn't give a f*&k and she did her best to let me know it.
Now I understand that she is weak, physically, mentally, and she is spiritually void, I know she is drugged and even diagnosed with psychosis and Alzheimer, but my thoughts are this-
the doctors do not know her history, her behaviors, her patterns and she has never been to a psychiatrist to compare past mental issues. She is forgetful but she has been playing that card for over a decade, she is the boy who cried wolf and she wore out the ability for those she has been around to believe her or to trust anything.
She is an example of how seeking attention for the negative feeds the negative.
That pretending to be sick, inventing heart attacks, and illnesses will make you sick.
Anger and bitterness will carve deep lines in your face and soul,
plugging your ears only dulls the sounds of life passing you by.
If you refuse to open your eyes, the truth is still there, right in front of you.
I do not know the woman in the chair, yet I know her all too well.