Sixteen Years Later Part 2 The Visit

Part one HERE

  After a deep cry in the car and catching my breathe I tossed around going to see the woman in the photo. The woman I didn't know, that didn't know me, the woman that has not been a part of my life for sixteen years, the woman who is my mother.
 On the morning my husband and I were to drive there,  I had much reservation, I had fear and I was very uncomfortable. I almost changed my mind. One hundred miles usually takes a while, but on that day it went far too quickly, too soon we were there. I was going to see her and I didn't know what to expect.  During the move from her home to my aunt and uncles home town (also my childhood home) my mother "lost it" she became unruly and they needed help to get her under control resulting her being hospitalized, restrained and eventually moved to the state psychiatric hospital. As of this time I do not know what drugs she was put on but obviously she is on what ever was needed to keep her calm and under control.
  We drove to the old brick buildings high on the hill in a small town we have driven by for years. We passed the building surrounded by high fence and razor wire and ended up in a place that felt more like a nursing home, although not everyone was old. We signed in, we passed two locked doors and the nurse said, "we got her out of the recliner, she was pretty sleepy", she then said the woman in the chair, "your daughter is here to see you."
 Nothing
The nurse looked at me and I said, "it has been over 15 years", she moved us to a private room and said, "she will wake up just give her some snuggles."
  Do you have any idea how bizarre that was? Snuggle the woman who never snuggled me? Snuggle the woman who did nothing but lie, exaggerate, cause trouble, and demand you bow to her every thought and complaint? Snuggle? Did you not hear me lady? Sixteen years......
 It wasn't hers to figure out, she is there to take care of the woman in the chair, not me.

   There she was, right there, with my grandma's hair. "Hi, how are you feeling? Are you sleepy? Do you know who I am? It is me, Shannon."

Nothing.
" mom, it is me, Shannon, we came to see you. Do you know who I am?"
Imagine if you had a terrible headache and you grimaced and placed your hand over your forehead and eye, imagine if you felt shame and tried to hide, imagine if you wanted to avoid something and wanted to get the hell out of there but your body and the drugs you are on physically prevent that so you place your hand over your head and twist away and grunt out NO!

My husband tries, "Jeannie, we came a long way to see you. Do you want to see photos of the kids? "
 Me- " Mom, it is Shannon, do you know who I am?"
 Switch gears....
" How are you?  It is almost lunch time. Are you hungry? Have you seen Aunt and Uncle? They were just here, Have you seen Shannon?"
 Grimace, twist, hide.
She still has refused to even open her eyes.
Now...you may want to say, she was really drugged, she wasn't awake. She was confused.
But.....
Those grunts became coherent, the hand over the eyes became plugging her ears and she physically moved her body as far away as she could.
"Jeannie do you know who I am? I am Shannon, we came a long way, are you going to talk?"
 "I don't care" plugs ears
" We haven't seen each other in sixteen years."
" I don't give a ......"
" Well, we can leave then"
 "Are you leaving?" said clearly, forcefully and with agitation
"If you aren't going to talk, then yes, are you going to talk?"
plugs ears- she still will not even open her eyes

So I stood up, and said
" There you are, you are in there, you have spent your life bitter and angry" she is getting agitated, twisting to trying and get away, she plugs her ears again, " I don't care" and mumbles more I cannot understand.
"What?, I didn't understand. Are you even going to look at me? You have been angry your whole life, where did it get you? I want you to know I am not angry, I am not bitter."
She lets out a groan of disgust.
So 20 minutes later, Sixteen years later, I left.
She refused to open her eyes,
 she did everything her body would let her to get away,
she didn't give a f*&k and she did her best to let me know it.
Now I understand that she is weak, physically, mentally, and she is spiritually void, I know she is drugged and even diagnosed with psychosis and Alzheimer, but my thoughts are this-
 the doctors do not know her history, her behaviors, her patterns and she has never been to a psychiatrist to compare past mental issues. She is forgetful but she has been playing that card for over a decade, she is the boy who cried wolf and she wore out the ability for those she has been around to believe her or to trust anything.
She is an example of how seeking attention for the negative feeds the negative.

That  pretending to be sick, inventing heart attacks, and illnesses will make you sick.

Anger and bitterness will carve deep lines in your face and soul,
plugging your ears only dulls the sounds of life passing you by.

If you refuse to open your eyes, the truth is still there, right in front of you.

I do not know the woman in the chair, yet I know her all too well.

Sixteen Years Later Pt 1

   In 2000 my grandmother turned 80.
  Our family gathered, we traveled 400 miles to see her and my mom was there along with her husband. I don't remember if she lived there or back in Wyoming at that time. I remember the photos of everyone around grandma, she wore a red sweater, she had lovely white hair and she smiled. That makes me laugh because grandma didn't have a natural smile for photos, a stiff, teeth bearing almost painful grimace. We would all laugh at it because she had a natural lovely smile, but, when the camera came out....it disappeared.
  My aunt orchestrated the in-law and outlaw photo sessions poking fun of those married in, as she was. It made no matter, my aunts and uncles through marriage our as much our blood as anyone could ever be. I really don't remember a lot about the visit other than it was a nice time and it was the last time I saw my mother.
  No. She is still alive.
As a mother of two the thought of not seeing my child for sixteen years...sixteen! I would be heartbroken, deeply heartbroken.  As a grandma to an angel baby I would give anything that my daughter never would have had to go through that heartache, that I also could have never felt that deep piercing pain. I would move hell and high water to see my child, to hug them, to tell them I loved them. I would slay any dragon for my son and my daughter.
  But that is not so for my mother. She was content to not see me, and so I became safe in not seeing her. We talked from time to time, less frequently as the years faded away. Phone calls were stressful. When you speak with a narcissist, you walk a fine line, you must not offend which means you cannot disagree- with anything. You must praise, repeatedly, every thought they have, you must compliment every act they have achieved and you must NOT expect any accolades for yourself. In fact, when talking to a narcissist you need to just leave yourself behind.  Our calls were nothing more than her complaining about who did what to her, how awful so and so was and a myriad of hypochondriac complaints.
 Endless complaints.
Exhausting complaints.
  How can you not see your child or how can you not see your parent for sixteen years when you live a few states away? That alone seems surreal.
  I remember her taller than me by two inches,  with over processed, curly, usually brown hair. She had more hair colors, styles and home perms than any head of hair should ever go through.  She wasn't big but she wasn't small, if that makes sense. She had a large smile and it showed her teeth and gums, that is what my memory stored and my photos show.
   As time slipped, so did she. Imagine my surprise when a photo of an old white haired frail woman came to my phone.
My uncle intended to move her to his home town, about half way between her and I. The move did not go well and resulted in her now being 100 miles away from me,
in the state psychiatric hospital.
 Saturday my husband and I went to an estate sale in a small town, as I walked out of the cafe my phone received a text. My aunt sent a photo.....
 it was a woman with my grandma's white hair, deep wrinkles and she was small, very small.
   I stopped on the sidewalk, the comment said, "she is having a good day today"
 Had I not known who sent that photo, had I sat next to that woman in the cafe, had I walked by her on the street, I would not have known her. I would not have known my own mother.

 I do not know my own mother, and my mother does not know me.

My breath was gone, my words were stuck and my eyes were full of tears.
  A deep bizarre moment happened, a bewildering acknowledgement of just that.....I do not know that woman in the photo.
Sixteen years and one hundred miles later-
 I went to see her.

 part two http://shannonspigtales.blogspot.com/2016/11/sixteen-years-later-part-2-visit.htmlHERE

Mirror Mirror

As the queen stands before her mirror, she waits for the right answer.
"mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"
As long as the mirror gave her the answer she was looking for, all was well; but as soon as Snow White became the fairest in the land, the queen was enraged.
Determined to once again capture the mirrors favor she was willing to do anything, and anyone in her way was expendable.
I first saw the concept of associating the world as a mirror when researching Narcissism. It sums it up pretty well. You, in a narcissists life are merely a mirror.
It would seem a cold statement to say you have no value to them, but it would be a true statement.
As in Greek mythology Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection, so it is today with the modern narcissist. Only seeing themselves, unable to love another, the narcissist wastes his or her life admiring themselves and ignoring all others.
If you have one in your life you may wonder what I mean by ignoring, for it seems as though they are the proverbial thorn in your side. Always there, always taking, lying, manipulating, but what they are doing is ignoring you. Ignoring the needs or feelings of others is the only way to survive when you are narcissistic, the world simply gets in your way.
Enter the mirror.
You are a mirror for a narcissist. You must reflect a beautiful image. If you do not, there will be hell to pay.
Should the narcissist gaze upon you, and you in return smile, nod and follow along, you are showing a positive reflection.
Should you frown, disagree or challenge in any way, you have now smudged or cracked the mirror and tainted the reflection.
At any cost the narcissist will not take the blame, you will now be ridiculed, isolated and punished until you once again cast a perfect reflection.
Unable to see both good and bad in a person or situation, they will place you on a list. My mother's categories were 1- They are really shitty to me or 2- they have really changed.
List one was for those who smudged her reflection and list two was for the ones who didn't question her or call her on her lies. You could only be on one list. I often held the number one position on list number one.

Sometimes now as I look back I think it wasn't that bad. All in all, it probably wasn't, but then I read about narcissism, and the pit of my stomach hurts. I quickly get overwhelmed and can read very little, the words cut like knives.
Liar
 Manipulator
 Selfish
Defensive
  Criticize
Jealousy

The most profound and sobering comment I ever read was written by Sam Vaknin in Malicious Self Love.( I have written of this in another post as well.)
I am paraphrasing from memory,
 having a narcissist for a mother is like having a 6 year old for a parent. The child has a doll that it plays with, when the child is finished with the doll or has no use for it, they simply throw it on the ground and move on.

a worthless doll
move on to something better


It was the first time I had seen something that validated how I felt. Something that said, it was real. You're not crazy. You didn't imagine it.


It seems a vague memory, all the hurt. Being tossed aside for something better or being displayed when needed seems so long ago, healing is a wonderful thing. Healing allows you to move on and set boundaries,  it keeps you from being tossed aside and ignored.
 Healing is also ongoing, if you have a narcissist in your life, they will reoffend. They will return to your mirror and check their reflection, some days it will go well, others will not. And there will always be hell to pay, you must as the child, spouse, parent or friend of a narcissist- refuse to pay it.

I have also heard it said it is not enough that the narcissist be the center of their universe, but they must also be the center of your universe.
Wicked really.


Further reading on Narcissism
Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD
NPD Quiz